


press star to re-record

by clasch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, how are other people tagging their codas for this episode??, obviously spoilers for 15x18, using mcd because of said spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27481579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clasch/pseuds/clasch
Summary: Set immediately after 15x18. Dean makes a phone call.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	press star to re-record

Dean doesn’t know how long he’s been slumped against the wall. A while, probably, based on the stiffness in his knees and his back. He’s lost track of how many times his phone has buzzed, its rattling echoing through the empty room.

Empty.

He needs to call Sam back, needs to tell him what happened, needs to figure this out, needs more time to think, to process, to - to  _ something. _ It’s the end of the goddamn world and he can’t focus. Everything is...fluid. Slippery. He can’t hold onto a thought. He can’t hold onto a memory. There are too many, it’s too much. Little moments and big moments, twelve years of them, and the whole time -

Before he fully realizes what he’s doing, his phone is back in his hand. The screen reads _17_ _ missed calls, _ but he taps away from it with trembling fingers because he needs…

_ “This is my voicemail. Make your voice a mail.” _

A twisted, strangled sob-laugh punches out of him and his hands shake so badly he drops his phone again. The screen cracks, delicate fractures spider webbing out from the corner. Dean ends the call before the machine can tell him  _ if you are not satisfied with your message, press star to re-record. _

Dean sucks in a deep breath, digging his nails into the meat of his thigh so hard his arm spasms. In. Out.  _ Goodbye, Dean. _

He dials again, but hangs up after the second ring.  _ What I want. _ When was the last time Dean asked him what he wanted? When was the last time  _ anyone _ did? Was that why he didn’t - he thought he couldn’t -

_ “This is my voicemail. Make your voice a mail.” _

He manages “C-,” stops, breathes in. His grip on his thigh does nothing to calm him, but…

The bloody print on his shoulder is nearly dry. It’s still tacky right under his palm, but the fingerprints are dry as he watches his own hand match it as if from a distance. But it isn’t enough to let his hand rest there. He squeezes, wanting it to bruise, wanting - needing to wear the brand once again.

_ “If you are not satisfied with your message, press star to re-record.” _

He ends the call, grips his own shoulder tight. Redials.

_ “This is my voicemail. Make your voice a mail.” _

“I - I know you can’t hear me. I don’t think you can, anyway.” Dean is quiet for a moment, holding onto his shoulder so tightly it starts to ache. “C-” he tries again, but it’s still too much. He can’t say the name, but he can squeeze until he feels his heartbeat in his fingertips. “Look, we’re - I’m. I’m coming to find you. I don’t care what it takes, I need - I  _ want.” _

Because he does, he  _ wants  _ too, has wanted, will want, thought he couldn’t have, thinks he still won’t have.  _ Happiness isn’t in the having. _ And maybe it isn’t. Maybe happiness is in the saying, in the being, but it could be in the having. It could have been.

“Castiel,” he says, like a goodbye, a promise, a confession, a prayer. But he can’t manage anything further and buries his face into the crook of his elbow, muffling the noise of his sobs that won’t stop now.

_ “If you are not satisfied with your message, press star to re-record.” _

Click.

Silence.

Empty.

**Author's Note:**

> rebloggable tumblr link [here!](https://good-things-do-happen-dean.tumblr.com/post/634238684678569984/press-star-to-re-record-15x18-coda-spoilers)


End file.
